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Don’t Be that Guy. Here’s How Not to Act at the Campsite.
Don’t Be that Guy. Here’s How Not to Act at the Campsite.
Nov 12, 2024 11:04 PM

  Some of backpackers’ most unforgettable moments happen deep in the wild: enjoying the solitude of the High Sierra in Desolation Wilderness, navigating the intricate Maze District of Canyonlands, or scrambling up Maine’s Saddleback Mountain on the Appalachian Trail

  But you know what backpacking memories you’ll really remember forever? Those inconsiderate assholes that camped right next to you a few years back. The dude who blasted EDM until 3 a.m. (who brings a Bluetooth speaker backpacking?) and then left behind a bunch of half-burned trash that was still smoldering the next morning will take up space in your brain for years, if not decades, to come

  If you want to make yourself into the main character of someone else’s trip, just follow these six simple tips. For everyone else, consider this a handy guide for what not to do next time you’re sharing your campsite with company.

  Set up your tent literally right next to other campers There’s a loneliness epidemic across America, and nowhere do people feel more in need of human connection than when they’re sleeping outside in some remote wilderness, hours or even days away from emergency services.

  Make sure to set up your tent right next to your neighbors so they feel welcome next to you, a complete stranger. Besides, the views here are sublime—and much better when shared with others.

  Leave food outside overnight Backpackers love seeing wildlife, and one of the best ways to lure in the really great animals—bears, mountain lions, coyotes, unusually large chipmunks—is to leave your food out in the open to lure them in. Rookie backpackers waste their time hanging their food from a tree in a bear bag, or worse, add unnecessary weight to their pack by bringing bear canisters to keep scavengers at bay. Instead, sprinkle some food beneath your neighbor’s tent. The following animal visit will catch them completely by surprise.

  Humans have shared food as a means of connection for thousands of years. It’s time to extend that camaraderie to our fellow critters, too. Bears are used to eating raw fish and mushy berries; you’re going to blow its mind with this Clif bar. Fork over your best snacks for memories you’ll remember for the rest of your (now very much shortened) life.

  Make lots of noise Ok, luring animals to your neighbor’s tent was all good fun, but now that they’re screaming in absolute joy, it’s time to shoo those animals away by blasting your curated “Backpacking Memories” playlist on your Bluetooth speaker’s max volume setting. Your neighbors will wish there was cell service so they could Shazam every song.

  The same goes for your “inside voice.” You’re in the great outdoors—use your “outdoor voice” to communicate with your friends and yelp with delight at every great view. Note: shouting in bear country is always a no-go—you don’t want to scare these beautiful behemoths away.

  Shine bright lights all over at night Campsites are dangerous after dark: there’s tree roots, shrubs, and rocks everywhere, and your fellow backpackers might not see them and injure themselves. Since you skipped your NOLS wilderness first aid class, everyone will be safer if you point your headlamp in their area all night long. Bonus points if you’ve got one of those ultra-bright headlamps that has more lumens than a lighthouse.

  Oh, your neighbors are trying to stargaze in this remote paradise? Absolutely not. Stargazing invites too many existential thoughts about our place in the universe and whether there’s an inherent meaning to life. Your fellow backpackers will thank you for the bright lights in the morning, after they’ve been able to enjoy a long, peaceful sleep untroubled by thoughts of the great void.

  Leave your pet unattended Dogs can be great company while exploring the wilderness, but only if you give them free roam so they can enjoy it like they did thousands of years ago. Don’t limit their experience by expecting them to follow commands or stay close to you—let them run wild down game trails and across steep, jagged terrain out of your supervision.

  To really give your dog the full experience, don’t get them in shape beforehand (otherwise the trip won’t be a surprise), provide clean water (they’ve evolved to drink anything), or bag up their poop (it’s great compost that enhances our wild areas).

  And finally—and I can’t stress this last point enough—let your dog greet all the other backpackers on trail far ahead of you. Bella is friendly and has the best personality of any dog, possibly ever. Every backpacker out here is just ecstatic to meet her as she charges their way. Under no circumstances should you ever leash your dog and deny other backpackers the chance to make an unexpected new friend.

  Leave your campfire blazing when you leave Nothing brings a group of people together like a hot, burning pile of logs in the great outdoors. But way too many backpackers have bruised their egos and failed to impress their fellow hikers after struggling to start a fire.

  Do future backpackers a solid by throwing a few extra logs on your fire before departing to make sure whoever comes next still has a good bed of coals going. Oh, you heard you’re supposed to make sure the ashes are cool to the touch and douse it in water for good measure? Yeah, sure, that’s fair advice if you’re an individualistic asshole who sneers at the lost art of hospitality. Learn some manners.

  Besides, wildfires are all too common these days, and this dangerous, dry brush isn’t going to thin itself. Burn everything you can get your hands on and do your part to prevent wildfires.

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