When I first started dating my boyfriend, he mentioned that he had a group of friends who went “camping” every month to practice skills for the future. I asked for more details and he said that they practice orienteering, tracking, and survival skills like that. He’s a really sweet, caring guy and nothing seemed like a red flag. Actually, my ex was less social and very clingy, so I remember thinking it was a green flag that he spent time with friends. 

　　We’ve been together for a year now. In that time, this group has become a bigger part of his life. They meet up almost every week. They also started meeting at a gun club. When I asked why, he talked about social unrest and wanting to make sure that he can protect us. He’s also been obsessively watching the news about drone sightings in New Jersey. 

　　I was looking for something in the basement last week and came across a duffel bag filled with packaged food and ammo boxes. It was upsetting because I’ve asked him before if he’s a prepper. He told me he isn’t, but that he doesn’t want to be a frog in boiling water who doesn’t notice when things start to heat up. But I don’t want to be a frog in boiling water either. I really love him, but I’m starting to think there might be more under the surface that he’s hiding from me. How do I know when it’s getting to be too much?

　　Question: Does your boyfriend seem to enjoy all this? Is it fun for him? If so, then I want to hold space for the best possibility here, which is that prepping (and yes, this is prepping, regardless of whether he admits it) is his hobby.

　　Consider historical reenactment: a broad interest that gathers a lot of different skills and pastimes under one roof. Reenactors don’t just dress up like people in their chosen era; they also learn crafts, cooking, languages, and so on. Hobby preppers do the same, but in reverse. Instead of focusing on the past, they imagine a future when their skills in self-reliance might be put to good use.

　　That future probably won’t come to pass, but there are plenty of realistic scenarios where their skills could come in handy. It’s not that everyone who buys a zombie apocalypse bug-out kit is actually scared of zombies. It’s just that prepping for a zombie apocalypse is more fun than packing the exact same supplies so they’re ready in case of an unusually long power outage.  

　　Some people follow end-of-the-world scenarios like other people follow sports. Sometimes a bag of food and bullets is just, uh, a bag of food and bullets.

　　If that’s your boyfriend’s situation—if he enjoys thinking about possibilities, and trying new things, and he has a good friend group to try them with—then there’s no need to worry. That said, you mentioned a few things that do concern me, and I’d recommend getting to the bottom of them.

　　First, your boyfriend said he’s going to the gun club because he wants to be able to protect your household against social unrest.

　　To me, that says he’s imagining a near future in which he might have to shoot people, or at the very least, scare them away with guns. Not zombies; people. He’s couching the violence of that image under a fantasy of protection, but the point remains the same.

　　Does that mean that everyone who learns to shoot for self-defense is fantasizing about shooting people? Of course not. And presumably, he’s practicing at a range that emphasizes gun safety and responsibility.  But given the anticipatory subtext of prepping in general, and the other details you shared—including his use of the phrase “heat up”—I think this development is concerning.

　　Secondly, and most important, you’re worried that there’s more under the surface.

　　You know your boyfriend well. You’ve watched his interests change and grow, and you’ve seen how he’s responding to the news. You saw the look on his face when you found his bag of food and bullets. You don’t seem like a paranoid or sensational person. If the hairs on the back of your neck are going up, that’s the most important clue that something is wrong.

　　aIn fact, even if everything else seemed perfect, that would still tell me that something’s wrong.

　　I’m wondering why your boyfriend denied that he was a prepper, when the term isn’t derogatory, and it seems so clearly accurate from the outside. Is there another term he uses for his activities, or his identity? If he’s willing to tell you, it might help clarify his agenda, his priorities, and where his head is at. If he won’t tell you–if he’s convinced that his activities are so practical and universal that they have no name–then that’s illuminating, too.

　　You haven’t been together very long, in the grand scheme of things. Do you really want to move into the future with someone whose vision of that future is fundamentally different from yours? If this isn’t the relationship you want, you don’t need a specific conflict or fight or reason to break up. Your feelings–and your discomfort–are more than enough.

　　If you stay together, keep your eyes open. Notice what’s going on. Remember that you’ve had concerns before, so if something else raises an alarm, it’s part of a pattern. If you live together, try to have a plan, and some money saved up, in case you decide to leave. After all, it never hurts to be prepared.

　　Blair Braverman writes our Tough Love column. Previously, she has given advice on dating a sore loser.