Welcome to Tough Love. We’re answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of Small Game and Welcome to the Goddamn Ice Cube. Have a question of your own? Write to us at [email protected].

　　My husband is an under-packer and I pack to be prepared. We have two small kids, and I have been the primary daily caretaker. We live a very outdoor life, and I learned early that in order to have successful adventures with the kids, it’s important to have enough diapers, snacks, and changes of clothes to make the day last. 

　　When we go on trips, my husband loses his mind over what I pack. He gets angry and calls me a hoarder, and also rummages through my packing when he needs something in the van, so he leaves it all messy and disorganized. He’s also just generally irritable. So I get grief about the gear, yet he enjoys the food and cozy bed in the tent, and the fact that the kids are comfortable and happy.

　　We both miss the days when we could each pack a tiny backpack and hike the world. How can I get him to understand that this is just what traveling looks like now? Or am I in the wrong? How can we pack in a way that doesn’t piss off both of us?

　　I’m really sorry. You thought you were packing for two kids, but you’re actually packing for two kids and a baby.

　　It sounds like your husband wants something impossible: to travel with kids without bringing all the stuff that kids need. Does he want to have fun excursions? Does he want a partner who cares for things? Does he want his kids to be warm and fed? Of course! But you’re handling the logistics that make those things possible, and he’s still crabby. At this point, it’s not about your packing, even if you are overpacking. It’s about his attitude, and his willingness to stay positive for his family. It’s about his ability to handle things that aren’t exactly the way he’d like.

　　Look, I get where he’s coming from in terms of aesthetics. I love packing light. To me, part of the joy of travel is bringing as little as possible, so I can feel completely unencumbered. When I can go somewhere with a small, neatly organized bag, I’m living the dream. My husband, on the other hand, brings everything a person might ever need. We’re currently on a 3,000-mile road trip with two babies and eighteen dogs, and on top of the mass amount of equipment that entails, he decided to bring a barbecue. Why? Because he thought that when we saw certain friends for a day, about two weeks into the trip, it would be nice to grill. That whole idea seemed absurd to me.

　　But you know what? He single-handedly managed the epic Tetris of packing, and we did end up grilling with friends. We sat around in a rainforest, eating brats and toasting buns over the coals, with napping dogs at our feet. The clouds parted and the sun shone down. It was a really great day.

　　It sounds like your husband is genuinely stressed by clutter, and I sympathize with that. But he needs to recognize that stress for what it is: his own anxiety, rather than an objective response to a problem. The problem, as it stands, is him—and it does need solving, but it’s not something you can fix by bringing fewer diapers. It’s something he needs to figure out for himself.

　　Does he realize how much gear your kids actually need? Has he ever traveled with them on his own? If not, I wonder if he’d be willing to try doing the packing himself, even for a day, so he can start to recognize all that it entails. You could bring a sealed backup bag with essentials he might have forgotten—and if he ends up digging into the backup bag, you win, and he has to stop complaining. If he doesn’t, you also win, because now he knows how to handle the packing on his own.

　　Alternately, of course, he could just stop complaining in the first place. I’m guessing that if he comes to you with a better attitude, you’ll be able to navigate this situation with clearer heads, and maybe even find a semi-obvious solution that works for everyone.

　　I’m really sorry. You thought you were packing for two kids, but you’re actually packing for two kids and a baby.

　　For instance: What is it about the quantity of stuff that stresses him out? Does it take up a lot of space in the van, which makes him feel claustrophobic? If so, maybe it’s possible to re-organize the luggage area, adding bins or other organization methods to keep things better contained. Does stuff tend to spill out onto everything, so he can never find a clear surface? Maybe there’s one particular surface that can always be kept empty. You could also go through all your equipment together, to figure out what’s actually superfluous. If you haven’t used an item in the last, say, three trips, and it’s not a piece of safety gear like a lifejacket or first-aid kit, then the benefit of having extra space is probably worth the risk of leaving it at home. That’s part of adventure, anyway. Sometimes you have to be creative and make do with what you have.

　　If your husband refuses to try to fix this dynamic, there’s not much you can do to force him. But you can refuse to engage in discussions when he’s being rude—and, if it comes down to it, say that you’ll hold off on trips together until he fixes his attitude. Remember that, in the scheme of things, you’re doing your best and making sure that everyone is cared for. And when your kids are happy, warm, and out exploring, it’s all possible because of you.